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Deathcon7
Between decisions.

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NG MWC Preliminary Entry

Posted by Deathcon7 - June 14th, 2009


The waves slapped at the sides of the small boat like an angry lover. Struggling through the choppy seas, Pitro stabbed his oar roughly into the waters. His scruffy graying beard, and long unkempt hair, soaked up a lot of the spray and clung to his face, partially obscuring his vision. It was a battle Pitro knew he could not win, not this time, but he fought it nonetheless; against the waves, the failing sun, and the thunderous clouds above. It had been decades since he laid his eyes on the island's shores. Now, a scruffy old man at the whim of a country's politics, he sought to escape it all and return to the place he once loved. His strength failing, he let his mind retreat back to the memories, leaving his body to the work.

***

"Pitro, it is important that you take this opportunity. It has been handed to us by the gods, to ignore it is blasphemy. Be it over pride or whatever reasons you have for damning yourself. This is the opportunity we have waited for, the reason for my illicit presence on this vessel. Do not let the Movement's efforts be in vein!"
Rising from the floor, the prisoner finally regarded the pleading guard. "The sacrifice that you are so happy to make, is not so easy for me agree to. I will not sacrifice my own brother. There will be others who will rise in my place." Pitro was garbed in rags and shackled, his beard beginning to grow in; its deep brown color darkening his complexion. The prisoners rags he wore hung from his weakened body, lean from starvation. His eyes however were as sharp and passionate as ever, despite the dark fatigue that ringed them.
"But none will lead the people as you would brother. When I agreed to join you, I forfeited my life to a greater cause. Now it is being asked for, and I gladly give it in service." Like his brother, Dahdeyh was closely bound to The Movement. The fight for freedom from the tyrants who oppressed them was the main priority of The Movement, and Pitro was their leader. Two pairs of deep ruby eyes regarded each other, a silent battle of wills.
The storm raging outside served as the best cover against his escape. Coupled with the fact they were passing through an archipelago, Rizin's Breath, the journey back to the Colonies would not prove overly difficult. "Rizin has blessed us this day. I cannot deny the opportunity. I will let you serve brother."
Relieved, Dahdeyh quickly unshackled his brother and the two hastily swapped their clothing. They were almost identical in likeness. The betrayal would not be discovered one who knew Pitro's face was presented with the new prisoner. Fortunately, there was no such person on this vessel. "When you can, entice the guards to beat you. Battered in such a way, your true identity will be cloaked. When we next meet, we shall both sleep in the arms of the Mother and bask in the Father's radiance." He gently kissed his brothers forehead and turned to leave.
"In the Light we shall meet again."
His brother's last words echoing in his head, Pitro hastily made it through the vessel, navigating corridors amidst the rolling of the ship. Finally, he found his way on deck and quickly found a tethered boat. Fighting against the wind and waves, he managed to free the boat and lowered himself into the waters. Rolling amongst the waves he watched in agony as the ship sailed by, towards the Mother's Land, his escape effectively ensuring his own brother's doom. Silent warm tears traced down his cheeks unhindered.

***

The jolt of beaching awoke Pitro with a start. His muscles stiff, he painfully picked himself up and looked for land. Nearly fifty paces away he found the shoreline of one of Rizin's Islands. Lifting the paddle from the bottom of the tiny boat, he pushed off and navigated around the dune and towards the shore. Upon arrival he was greeted by olive skinned locals in leathers. They filed out of the tree line towards the beach, their faces a combination of curiosity, horror, and rapture. Dragging his boat ashore, he called out to them and was surprised to be greeted in return.
The man who greeted him cautiously stepped from the tree line. His dress was regal, covered in feathers, shells and pearls. "You are not welcomed here stranger."
"I assure you I won't be a hindrance. I just need a small amount of supplies to make it to the next island." Baffled by the man's manner, Pitro could only resort to begging, his mind fogged with fatigue and worry.
"I am Slausihn, Chief and Foremost of the Children and your presence does not bode well for me and my people. We are facing famine and can barely support ourselves. You may join the other in the jungle and fare as you may."
At this dismissal, the people slowly began to fade back into the trees leaving Pitro behind dumbfounded. Coming to his senses, he sprinted to catch up to the man, calling out his name as he broke the tree line. The man abruptly appeared to his right, catching Pitro by surprise and causing him to catch his foot on a root, toppling him to the ground. Catching his breath, he pushed out his inquiry, "What do you mean by other? Has someone else come here? Did he look like me?"
"You assume wrong. It was a she. And she arrived when the Father was just barely over Forever. Now, please leave my people alone. We are simple and we do not wish to upset the gods."
Pitro remained floored as Slausihn melted back into the obscuring trees. Slowly he got up and began shuffling in the first direction his feet moved in. His plans were already starting to unhinge. If he couldn't find any resources to continue to the next island, he'd be beached indefinitely.
"I need to make some sort of camp before proceeding." He thought to himself. Still deep in thought, he nearly ran over a small girl in his path. Snapping back to attention, he caught himself mid-step and stumbled his way around her. "Pardon me little lady, I didn't see you there."
The first detail he noticed of the small girl was the tattoo around her right eye. Tear tracks were permanently inked onto her face, balanced on the inside and outside of her eye. The tattoo stretched to include her brow halfway towards her hairline. "I am from the village. I am their Jho'o, the spiritual councilor and holder of the Sacred Words. It has been prophesized that when the Strangers enter the Land, it shall be healed and set right. The gods foresaw the fallibility in the Children of the Father, the People, and created the Kae'aren Cycle, a cycle of events that shall take place when the People are in most need of a savior. You play into this prophetic cycle by being the second of the two Strangers to enter our land."
"Is this why your Chief is acting so inhospitable? I'm sorry but, I can hardly save my own people, how am I supposed to save yours?"
"You assume too much...?"
"Pitro." He offered, realizing the girl was hinting for his name.
"Pitro, two Strangers shall enter our land. One of which shall save us, the other of which shall destroy us. It is up to us, the People, to decide who we shall align with. For this reason, the Chief has banished both of you. He recognized the signs of the Cycle as soon as the first stranger arrived at our beach. Visitors have not been known to visit our island, so he chose to ignore the signs. He fears both his own choice, and losing his place."
It was not in his plans to get caught on this island, any island for that matter. "I'm sorry but, I cannot be either. I have my own people to save and all I ask for is a small amount of supplies, two or three days' worth of food for one man, just to get to the next island."
The girl's cool eyes gazed deeply into his, her age washing away in a tide of wisdom and replaced by the eyes of a being he could not recognize. "Pitro, I have faith that you will make the right choice of the two I will offer you. You could poach our food and, whether it is now or months from now, steal the rations from us causing a man to die in your place. Or second, you could choose to walk the path of the Cycle until it is fulfilled. Either way, you will be one your way with enough rations to reach your destination. The choice is yours."
Pitro turned away from the girl. Her gaze was too intense, her aura bled from her like the sun and Pitro could almost see its brightness and feel its passionate heat. The girl, despite her tattoo, appeared as a normal child. Her brown hair was silky; a mousey brown. Her cheeks were freckled from the sun and her dress draped over her shoulders covering her thin frame. She also wore a thin bracelet around her wrist, appearing to be made of strings of palm, intricately woven. Despite her deceptive appearance, her demeanor proved that whatever significance a village's Jho'o held, it must have been vast. Despite his reticence to believe, he knew the girl was telling the truth.
"If it is your will for me to take part wise-one, then I shall. May the gods bless me and guide me down the right path." He gathered himself to once again meet the girl's gaze only to find empty jungle behind him. He knew however, that the Cycle had begun. From the corner of his eyes, he caught a gleam. Turning around he found a dagger embedded in the bark of a tree. The design of the hilt and the shape of the blade seemed to be one with the tree, as if the weapon was grown out of the tree itself. It took quite a bit of struggle to get the blade free. He poked, prodded, scratched, and gnawed. When he finally had a good hold of the hilt, the weapon easily peeled away from the bark. Examining it, the weapon looked very stylized. The lines on the hilt, the composition, the texture, it was like a piece of the tree. The blade had a curve to its two edges, like an elongated leaf. Its core was a brilliant white that reflected the sunlight with thin filaments stretched towards the edge of the blade. Testing the dagger, he roughly passed the edge against the tree and was aghast as he pulled the blade away, leaving no mark. Curious, he tried it against his skin to similar results. Baffled, he tucked the weapon behind his belt.

***

"Where are you coming from child?"
The small child turned on her heels and faced her interrogator. "The Father smile upon you Chieftain."
"I asked you a question Jho'o."
"Do not patronize me kakin. You know very well where I was and what I was doing."
"How dare you!? I am no boy, and you will show me respect. Be grateful that I haven't outright banished you with the Strangers you are so anxious to befriend. You know very well what this means kakan. I will be damned before I let a long dead prophet bring my people to their doom."
"'The choice is not difficult by one whose eyes will see.'" The Jho'o quoted.
"Your cryptic scripture means nothing to me. Keep away from those Strangers and perhaps you will once again earn the respect of the Children."
"Fear turns the Children from their Father. When we next meet Chieftain, it shall not be pleasant."
"Is that a threat kakan? I shall have you hung by your toes and flogged unstopping until the Father sleeps thrice." Slaughsin's eyes were wild with unrestrained fury. The Jho'o on the other hand, was as serene as the depths of the ocean. This frustrated Slausihn further.
"If I am but a child, why do my words excite you? You have been a selfish man. You reign over the people like a monarch, where a better man would lead as a shepherd. You mistake your role and for that you seal your doom. The Kae'aren shall rid the island of all its evil. The Cleansing cannot be stopped."
"I have put up with you long enough. Your return to my village will be met with lethal force. You are right about this, when next we meet it indeed shall not be pleasant." Satisfied with himself, the Chieftain watched as the little girl, the little kakan, looked at him with hurt eyes. At least, he hoped it was hurt. It could have been disappointment. Either way, the kakan turned on her heels and escaped from his sight. He watched as she made her way through trees watching her tiny figure move. Had she not been the Jho'o she would have been his by now. It was a pity that such a morsel would go to waste. Shaking the thought free he made his way back to his home. He imagined he could already smell the roasting pork on the spit.

***

Following her morning ritual, Ahgear unfolded the bounty tucked in a pocket and read it closely. Pitro had nearly escaped her with his trickery on the transport. Fortunately, she was already privy of the escape plan and was able to follow him to this island. Folding the bounty note, she tucked it back into her pocket and, finding a cord, tied her blood red hair into a tail at the nape of her neck. Using some of her precious water, she washed her face of the night, her icy blue eyes once again regarding the world in crystal clarity. Hunger quickly reminded her of her duties.
"Ie arrben a kakan." The whisper was inaudible at first, but slowly grew into a clear voice, repeating the same phrase. "..arrben."
Unsure of the source, Ahgear carelessly picked her way through the trees. The intensity continued to increase as she moved. Finding pig tracks, hunger won over caution. She continued following the tracks in spite of the voice and happened upon a grove of thick trees spaced so closely the trucks brushed against each other tightly, blocking any view into the grove. Placing her hand against the bark of the closest tree, she could feel vibrations passing underneath her hand and towards the tops of the trees. The leaves began to shake and whisper in the wind. Gusts began to stir the undergrowth.
The voice picked up again. "Ie arre kakan... ie arre."
Curiosity deepened as the voice spoke. It seemed to come from... Slowly, cautiously, she placed her ear against the bark. The vibrations intensified, causing her teeth to chatter. Slowly she made her way around the cluster of trees trying to find some opening when she was suddenly confronted by the little girl.
"He is calling to you isn't he Ahgear?"
"Where is this place?" Confusion struck Ahgear like a hammer on a nail. She wasn't used to the emotion. A bounty hunter must always be privy.
"Within the heart of these trees is the Black Rock. It is where he sleeps, waiting."
"Damn this place. I should be leaving then; I have a bounty to catch."
The little girl did not respond, instead, she lifted her hand and shakily pointed a thin finger towards Ahgear. Looking down she found a tendril, dark as night, coiling around her stomach. She gasped in horror and on the potent smell of sulfur. Before she could get a word out, she was yanked back into the cluster of trees. Towards Black Rock. Towards Him.

***

Pitro carefully made his way towards the village assisted by the Jho'o and burdened by a large feast. The girl had come to him early in the morning, trembling and mute. He let her shadow him until she regained herself and to his surprise, she taught him all he needed to know and guided him on how to release his potential; his first target being a small family of boar. The magic of the island became clear to him, and he learned how to draw a dagger from a tree as he did so foolishly before. He also learned the utility of it, and its power to Judge. In the short time that he'd spent on the Island, he already felt like he knew it deeper than he knew himself. He felt one with the island.
"It begins Guardian."
"How can you know?"
After a brief pause the girl responded. "I'm sorry, but even fear can blind the Jho'o. The other Stranger has been accepted by Him. I was watching her this morning when He took her. I... I saw Him. I was frightened. We must quickly return to the village and break Slausihn's indoctrination if we have any hope of completing the Kae'aren."
In short order they came upon a large clearing with huts of various sizes littered throughout. As he passed them he could hear the people inside as they curiously made their way to their shutters to see who approached. The brave met him as he walked along a created a large gathering behind him. Once he reached the common, he dropped the bundle of pigs he was carrying. Using the strength of the Father, he was able to carry four fully grown boars. It was enough to feed the whole village. Given the stock he was pretty sure Slausihn maintained, there was enough food to end the famine.
"Slausihn. In the name of the Father I command you to come out."
Puffed in fury, Slausihn stepped from his fortress, his regality held around himself like a shield. "You have been banished stranger; do you dare defy the rules of my people and disrespect us in our own home?"
"Quiet you incompetent bloated bug." Fury escaped the Jho'o's lips like a spout of fire. "You dare claim the title of Chieftain when it is only through thievery that you stole the title from those more worthy. You husk of a man. Come, kneel before our Father and repent."
"You!" Looking for a distraction from himself, he focused on the young Jho'o. "I told you, you are banished from here on penalty of death for heresy and promoting unrest amongst the Children. Guards, seize her." Three guards filed out of the hut, but none dare draw their weapon on the Jho'o.
"I come here baring food and justice Chieftain. What have you brought to this village other than famine, death, and despair? Since the death of the incumbent Chieftain, this village and this land have slowly been fading away and it is due to the evil you have blighted and doom this island to. Your choice to ignore the cycle has only brought the disdain of the Father upon you, now, kneel and be judged."
"I shall not-" His words choked off, Slausihn was forced to his knees by the guards he summoned. His eyes wide in shock and horror, he began to shake as one of the guards pulled his head back, exposing the folds of his neck.
"No mercy shall be shown to you Slausihn. You have chosen your path, and now you must see it through." Walking up to the knelt chieftain, Pitro passed the knife along his own throat for all to see the miracle of Judgment. As he reached Slausihn he passed the knife along the man's throat and was not surprised to see the blood gurgling from the wound and down his chest. The crowd rejoiced, their freedom ensured by this one bloody act.
A thunderhead pealed through the sky and quickly quieted them. From the tree line emerged a woman garbed in black, tendrils like black fingers flexing and reaching from her body. She was enticingly beautiful, an immaculate vision that stirred a heat in Pitro's chest despite her unsettling garment. Several men in the crowd were drawn to her and even before she reached the first houses, was soon surrounded by hounding men. One by one, they collapsed around her, faces enraptured.
"Pitro." The Jho'o's trembling voice rescued Pitro from his trance. He looked into her eyes and felt comfort where before he felt fear.
"Men, get a hold of yourselves and get your family indoors now." Slowly, the villagers began to mill about. As they realized their fear, their feet began to speed up until all were running towards safety. The village common was empty save for the guards, the Jho'o, Pitro, and the apparition. "The Father is with me monster. Your minion is destroyed and your taint will no longer plague this land."
The woman's lips split open in a wicked smile, a piercing shriek emanating from her mouth. "You are mistaken, the plague is you. The taint is made by these weaklings who have let themselves be ruled by such a man as the one lying at your feet. No, I will not be denied my freedom. This island is mine!" From her feet, two tendrils snaked their way up and into her hands and solidified into black, formless, daggers. She ran towards Pitro, and he charged her in turn. Her lithe body was more flexible than his and could reach and maneuver faster than he could. He held her off as best as he could, blocking and deflecting with his dagger. Fighting her off he managed to push her away enough to catch her off balance and began his assault. He sliced for her face and quickly flipped the blade in his hand for a try towards her throat. Falling forward to meet her retreat, he over stepped and was forced the dodge her counter by ducking under her attack and rolling along her body. The touch of the blackness that enveloped the woman was cool to the touch, yet burned like coals, the sensation was distracting. Unable to focus, it was all he could do to keep her at bay. She sliced at his throat while stabbing towards his torso. She'd then bring her arm back to try slicing him again and followed with another slice towards his mid-section. Her speed was hard to keep up with. As he backed up, he realized she was pushing him into the tree line. Risking a glance, he looked to his right and was able to see where he could Draw another weapon. He was quickly rewarded with a gash in his side as he turned to run towards the tree. Unlike the previous, he was able to fully draw the dagger from the tree by simply placing his hand over the appropriate spot. With two daggers, the match up evened out, his strength matching her speed.
The woman renewed her attack, more fervently than before. Before she could get any openings on Pitro, he managed to knick her shoulder. She recoiled in shock and took a few steps back, her hand on her shoulder. Fury suffused every part of her and just as he thought she was going to attack, she ran towards the village. Following her path with his eyes, he could see her running towards the Jho'o. He quickly took off, trying to keep up with the woman but failed. By the time he reached her, she already killed two of the guards. "Your fight is with me kakan!"
The insult registered and the woman turned, allowing herself to be baited. She flew at him at a surprising speed, her blades only barely visible as they passed through the air. His stamina ebbing, Pitro knew the fight needed to end soon. He fought for an opening, stabbing towards her eye as he deflected a slash directed towards his chest and parried a stab towards his ribs. The stab turned into a slice down her midsection which was drawn away by a dagger, the other deflected by his knife. The fight shifting, Pitro took advantage and melted each attack into the previous, the battle turning into a dance more a battle of will than skill. His left hand stabbed towards her throat and turned to a slash at her breast, while his right hand defended. Manipulating her focus, he faked with his left while he pulled his right back into a powerful blow. Her attention caught between both hands she instinctively brought both blades up to block Pitro's powerful right hand. Having drawn both hands away, Pitro turned his left handed feint into a true stab, plunging his dagger into her torso.
A flash of bright light exploded from the point of contact. Pitro could feel her struggling to expel the dagger, the will to survive and the power to do so fought against death. He then passed the blade along the woman's throat and, after another bright flash, felt the resistance ebb away. Releasing the daggers, he watched as they melted away like dust in the wind and turned away as the lifeless body crumpled to the ground and the black cloak melted away revealing the woman's nature. He walked back to the common and dropped to his knees. The Jho'o quickly ran to him and hugged him tightly. He barely had the strength to do so, but he hugged her in return. Her tiny voice whispered into his ear, "We are clean again, Pitro." Weakness held at bay over the previous two days began to flood and his vision began to wobble. Distant, he felt the child release her embrace and slowly lay him on his back. The world slowly washed away into a sea of blackness.

***

The world soon returned for Pitro. A soft light broke through his lashes and finally caught his attention. Letting sleep drift away, he slowly opened his eyes.
"The Father has brought you back to us Pitro. You have slept deeply. How do you feel?"
"I feel fine." Slowly he sat up and was offered water. Examining his surroundings, he found himself in a small cramped room. His body began to register the rocking of the ocean. "Where are we Jho'o?"
"All will be clear to you soon Pitro. I will start by telling you my name is Anneha and we are on a vessel headed for the Colonies. The Father has allowed me to assist you in your journey. I understand we have much to discuss Pitro, but first, I want to make sure you understand one thing: No matter what you do, you can never return to the Island; doing so will only result in your death."


Comments

Some initial comments before the breakdown; I provide positive points by marking them + and negative points with a - . If I mark it with a +/- I usually go more into depth about way I see it that way. Please keep in mind that all my comments are directed at helping you improve your story and to praise what you did well with sincerity while commenting on what needs work with honesty.

+/-This story has a rich background and a good number of characters right off the bat. I can tell you took the time to create an interesting world with mysticism and a prophetic plotline. Unfortunately, I also feel that alot of the background is either not explained enough (or not at all in some cases). Considering the word limit of the story, and considering the size of the story you wanted to tell, I can understand trying to fit everything in. Try as you might however, it will still be a 4500 short story and some elements require too much explanation. It may be best to cut out certain elements that are not directly related to the story or finding ways to rework the plot to make it functional (hard choices I know, considering we are talking about your plot). I sympathize with you, which is why I wanted to comment on it

-Need pargraph breaks for your readers. I also have an issue with this, especially when moving it over from a word document. A solid block of text with no breaks will hurt your score, regardless of how you spaced it in a word document.

+ You had sections of story with excellent description, and good word choice. Seems to be your strong point

-The cohesion of the story was muddy. In reading just the first couple paragraphs (as I could seperate them) The dialogue was sometimes unclear, the enviroments were either non-existant or not described enough to give any sense of setting. Letting the reader use their imagination is fine but they need a starting point. I didnt even know Pitro and his brother were talking on a boat until the end of their dialogue (yes, I know he said "vessel" but that could mean a number of different things).

- grammer and sentence structure were spotty, missing commas which could create confusing interpretations

+The dialogue, once I understood what was being said to who, was excellent.

+ I liked the general plot of the story and the direction it was taking. After Pitro landed on the island, things felt somewhat rushed in places as far as the plot (him stumbling over the girl so soon after landing) although not so much that it hurt the plot.

That is my general assesment of your story thus far. To be fair to you and make you aware, I read it about half way through, which is my general practice for stories of this size, and it depends on how much free time I have to read. It also depends on how smoothly the reading goes and if I struggle to get through it, up to the halfway point, I might not finish it if I think there is enough to comment on at that point.

I wanted to at least give you some points to start with on your revision that wasn't focused so entirely on the plot, but rather the structure, grammer, word choice, etc.

Final comments: smooth over the story by breaking it up into paragraphs, might want to consider cutting some elements in the story to allow expansion on more critical plot points, and work on general grammer/ sentence structure to help the reader understand the scenes and dialogue.

I hope you found my review helpful, good luck on your future revisions!

Thank you for your review. At this point, I can't really say much else other than thank you, but I'll be sure to put your wise words into action and see if I can update this response with further details. Thanks for taking the time out.

As with others, compliments first: This was a very enjoyable story; it carries a rich plot that moves strongly most of the time despite the tight word limit. It was creative and mostly well-written. Dialogue, despite some criticisms I have, is still good as well.

Concerning criticisms, the most improtant one I had dealt with the consistency of your characters' dialogue. While much of it was done well (especially Jho'o's), there were several instances where your characters' diction fell or changed entirely (I noticed this especially with Pitro, even when his persona changed toward the end).

I also agree with CaptAcid when he said your plot is a bit large. While I enjoyed such an expansive story, it did take a significant hit since several elements couldn't be as thoroughly described as you may have wanted. Since it may be difficult to cut away some of the story entirely, I would simply place less emphasis on some of the elements, most notably Ahgear's story. As the story stands now, she is somewhat one-dimensional and thus her section seems almost unnecessarily large.

Lastly, the fight scene was very confusing for me. I felt that more paragraphs could have been made, that the actions could be more clearly described, and that it could even be simplified a bit. I liked some parts of the fight, but currently, it's a bit hard to get through.

As with anything I review, my opinions are only opinions and I hope they help. I think you have a very good story; just some parts seem a little rough.

Great advice. One thing I'm well aware of is the compartive size of the story to the limit on words. From the onset I knew that, well mostly felt it anyways, the story was too large for it's own good. Like a bust squeezed into too small a top. I'll definitely be working on this further and I'll see what elements I can cut out and how I can make this story a lot more fluid. I've already got some ideas which should at least free up 1,000 words. Thank you for the review.