As with others, compliments first: This was a very enjoyable story; it carries a rich plot that moves strongly most of the time despite the tight word limit. It was creative and mostly well-written. Dialogue, despite some criticisms I have, is still good as well.
Concerning criticisms, the most improtant one I had dealt with the consistency of your characters' dialogue. While much of it was done well (especially Jho'o's), there were several instances where your characters' diction fell or changed entirely (I noticed this especially with Pitro, even when his persona changed toward the end).
I also agree with CaptAcid when he said your plot is a bit large. While I enjoyed such an expansive story, it did take a significant hit since several elements couldn't be as thoroughly described as you may have wanted. Since it may be difficult to cut away some of the story entirely, I would simply place less emphasis on some of the elements, most notably Ahgear's story. As the story stands now, she is somewhat one-dimensional and thus her section seems almost unnecessarily large.
Lastly, the fight scene was very confusing for me. I felt that more paragraphs could have been made, that the actions could be more clearly described, and that it could even be simplified a bit. I liked some parts of the fight, but currently, it's a bit hard to get through.
As with anything I review, my opinions are only opinions and I hope they help. I think you have a very good story; just some parts seem a little rough.
CaptAcid
Some initial comments before the breakdown; I provide positive points by marking them + and negative points with a - . If I mark it with a +/- I usually go more into depth about way I see it that way. Please keep in mind that all my comments are directed at helping you improve your story and to praise what you did well with sincerity while commenting on what needs work with honesty.
+/-This story has a rich background and a good number of characters right off the bat. I can tell you took the time to create an interesting world with mysticism and a prophetic plotline. Unfortunately, I also feel that alot of the background is either not explained enough (or not at all in some cases). Considering the word limit of the story, and considering the size of the story you wanted to tell, I can understand trying to fit everything in. Try as you might however, it will still be a 4500 short story and some elements require too much explanation. It may be best to cut out certain elements that are not directly related to the story or finding ways to rework the plot to make it functional (hard choices I know, considering we are talking about your plot). I sympathize with you, which is why I wanted to comment on it
-Need pargraph breaks for your readers. I also have an issue with this, especially when moving it over from a word document. A solid block of text with no breaks will hurt your score, regardless of how you spaced it in a word document.
+ You had sections of story with excellent description, and good word choice. Seems to be your strong point
-The cohesion of the story was muddy. In reading just the first couple paragraphs (as I could seperate them) The dialogue was sometimes unclear, the enviroments were either non-existant or not described enough to give any sense of setting. Letting the reader use their imagination is fine but they need a starting point. I didnt even know Pitro and his brother were talking on a boat until the end of their dialogue (yes, I know he said "vessel" but that could mean a number of different things).
- grammer and sentence structure were spotty, missing commas which could create confusing interpretations
+The dialogue, once I understood what was being said to who, was excellent.
+ I liked the general plot of the story and the direction it was taking. After Pitro landed on the island, things felt somewhat rushed in places as far as the plot (him stumbling over the girl so soon after landing) although not so much that it hurt the plot.
That is my general assesment of your story thus far. To be fair to you and make you aware, I read it about half way through, which is my general practice for stories of this size, and it depends on how much free time I have to read. It also depends on how smoothly the reading goes and if I struggle to get through it, up to the halfway point, I might not finish it if I think there is enough to comment on at that point.
I wanted to at least give you some points to start with on your revision that wasn't focused so entirely on the plot, but rather the structure, grammer, word choice, etc.
Final comments: smooth over the story by breaking it up into paragraphs, might want to consider cutting some elements in the story to allow expansion on more critical plot points, and work on general grammer/ sentence structure to help the reader understand the scenes and dialogue.
I hope you found my review helpful, good luck on your future revisions!
Deathcon7
Thank you for your review. At this point, I can't really say much else other than thank you, but I'll be sure to put your wise words into action and see if I can update this response with further details. Thanks for taking the time out.